Some readers have seen the blog and said to me, "wow, you must be really warped to see management that way." So let me get this right -- I'm weird but it's okay that the boss lays you off and uses the money he saves as an incentive bonus for himself. No that's not strange…that's good Bosship™! Now there is nothing that good bosship™ types like more than a good business story. Bosship™ types love to use and be told stories for several reasons:

• It reminds them of milk, cookies, and "blanky" time.
• It makes them think they are being "wise" by understanding simple allegories.
• They are used by consultants when dealing with management clients for the simple reason that when you talk to management like adults they don't listen.
• Bosses use stories under the guise of "simplifying" the complex. By dumbing down a topic to the "See-Dick-Work" level, the bosship proponent has an opportunity to imply that everyone else needs a childish explanation, and so is behind the power curve, while he is ahead. When in reality this is the only level that he can express or understand the concepts he is using.
  
  Now to my story which is absolutely true except where it isn't.

My First Day At Work

I remember my first great bosship experience. It was my first day at work. I hadn't found the men's room yet when I heard -- "Barr!" in a voice harsh enough to boil the hide off an elephant. The rest of the room fell silent as everyone stared at me. "Barr, whoever the hell you are get your ass in my office -- Now!" I immediately ran into the Boss's office. Behind the desk sat a balding pretentious man who looked like he'd slept in his clothes. If I had looked that ratty I'd have been sent home, but for the Boss, he needed that "all nighter" look to impress his boss by looking like he was working hard. The office walls were covered with awards from next level bosses, things like "Neatest Desk" as well as various sporting trophies dating back to the 6th grade. In the middle of this collision of personal vanity was a photo titled "Company Softball Champions 2005" that was populated mostly with the Boss in the foreground hugging a gaudy trophy about five feet tall. In the background were a lot of tired and hot people whose grimace-for-smile expressions looked more like Egyptian slaves at the end of a pyramid project than the "Winning Team" that was stamped on the trophy. A quick glance to a corner of the room found the trophy covered in dust, old files, and the Boss's jacket. The Boss never looked up from his copy of Yachting magazine which he was thoroughly engrossed in. Without looking up he barked, "Sit!" like I was the pet spaniel who had just did potty on the Bukhara. He harrumphed as he turned a few more pages then looked up with a quizzical expression. "Who the hell are you?" he asked.
"Barr, sir" I answered.
"Shit! I thought I made it clear to Jones down in personnel that I wanted a babe; someone easy on the eyes. Last time that bastard gets any OSU tickets from me!" He kicked back from his desk and weakly threw up his hands. "Oh well ...you're here... so I guess you'll have to do. You been through orientation?" He queried.
"Yes, sir, I have." I said proudly.
"Good, 'cause I don't have time to handhold some wet nosed kid. If you've got any questions about your job ask someone out there. Now look here Bark..."
"That's Barr sir." I corrected.
"Whatever... everyone on my team works hard, puts in a lot of extra hours, and they always make me look good...That's the whole idea of a team... to look out for each other..." he said as he brushed some dust off his Manager of the Year Award before he continued, "Just like football -- you played football, right Bark?"
"No-o-o sir," my wary voice trailing the answer out.
"You a pansy or something? Great I don't get a babe and Jones sends me a poofder too. Anyway it's just like football. I call the plays and quarterback the team. It's real important that we all play off the same sheet of music or otherwise the sails don't hit the wind when they're suppose to and the cups half empty instead of being ...you follow?" He fired.
"I think so sir," I replied, my head still swimming from the plethora of mixed metaphors.
"You're not too quick on the up chuck are you Bark. Hey let's get something straight from the getgo. I'm sure that you were All American Joe College Magna Summa Cum and all that but this is the real world. Get any ideas of glory out of your mind. You're not here to "reinvent the corporation" or come up with some crack brained idea that's going to save or make the company 50 million. You're a corporate grunt... a cog in the machine. You know what happens to cogs that make noise in the machine…don't you? They get thrown out and replaced. Leave the thinking to people like me or you're going to have problems. You following this?!" he stated in a hard tone.
"Yes sir." I grimaced, wondering if I already looked like one of the "Team" in the softball picture behind the boss's head.
"Now here" he shoved a pile of documents in my hand, "do what you're supposed to do with these and work it in with ... Smith... I think that's his name... yeah Smith... the tall guy ...depressed expression, cheap suit. I'll want the results soon -- And don't screw it up! Remember you're on 90 day probation here." He wagged his finger at me and spoke to me like a spaniel again, "Now go be a good little cog." and then with an unexpected thunderclap, "And don't make any noise that will piss me off or I'll ship your ass out in a heartbeat. There are lots of homeless people that want your job! Now scram!" And so I had my first experience of Bosship™.