When three management weenies wrote Getting to Yes over 30 years ago, management underwent a crippling retrograde intellectual under capitalization. Be honest "Win-Win" sounds so soft and cuddly you want to take it home and adopt it, but when it comes to trying to negotiate with someone it blows like Moby Dick. Win-Win is for idiots on the face track to an office right next to the janitor's washroom. In win- win negotiations each side is suppose to get a little bit of what they want. That just means that no one gets all that they want which means we're be back at it again next week. Who has time for that? Geez! You could be doing something important like scraping barnacles off the bottom of your yacht, polishing your new graphites, or sitting around watching your cells multiply. Be serious. Does anyone with a pulse negotiate to their disadvantage?

Now the Bosship™ take on win-win is that the other side gets something…they get what you don't want. Nogotiations is not about give and take. It's about telling the other side what they'll accept and making them thank you for it. All right it lowers their standards of living…they have to use food stamps to get groceries now…they're still living right?

In Getting to Yes, Ury, Fisher, and Patton, took 200 pages to tell you the rules for negotiations. Well I'm going to take about 2 inches to give you the keys for Nogotiations:

1.) Know what you want.
2.) NO! what they want.

Here are a few tips on handling Nogotiations:
Show you're superior: Always meet at your office. Make sure that their chair is always uncomfortable and lower than yours. It's always a good idea to schedule the negotiation to begin at one time and then let them come in at another time…usually 30 minutes later. If they don't wait, they must not be interested. Employees will almost always wait because they really don't have any other alternative. When you finally do let them in don't apologize for the wait, just tell them that you had something important to do, i.e., they aren't. Refer to the other person by name as if you were scolding a small child. Use the diminutive of their name. If they are James call them Jimmy. If they get exasperated and correct you just respond with, "whatever." If they get bent about this just say, "Gee I thought we were here to negotiate a deal, I didn't realize you were so hung up on your childhood…"
Be sympathetic and act like you're listening: People feel stupidly comfortable when they think you care. This can be used to your advantage. You can establish your superiority by listening to their position or offer and then responding with something like, "You poor bastard," or "I'm glad I'm not you."
Interrupt with non sequitors: This lets a person know that they and their position are not only not important but not even mildly entertaining enough to keep your attention. My favorite is to stare intently at the person like you are really listening and then say, "My neighbor's cat had three kittens."
Redirect: Everything they say is used by you to support what you want. "Yes you're outright denial of my wage cut is additional confirmation of its correctness and necessity. I'm glad you can see the wisdom of living with less." Keep doing this no matter how illogical the statement. No matter what they say confirms what you want. For a little extra spin make sure you end all your sentences with an upward inflection and all their proposals and suggestions with a downward inflections. After while they'll either get so mad that you can easily get what you want or they'll simply give up.
Let them know up front that this is a Nogotiation: Have only "one best offer" that's preferably at least 10% less than whatever you are currently paying now. Start the negotiation with, "Oh here's that wage increase you wanted," for example. Never refer to what you're presenting as an offer! You're not "offering" anything. You are telling them what they are going to get. Discussion is not part of that. Let them know that what you are presenting has a time limit…you'll let them think about for about 30 seconds.
No means No: If the person responds as if it's a negotiation don't be squeamish. Get a strange look on your face as if to say, "What planet are you from," and say "No," then pick up the next piece of work and move on. If they stand there waiting for a response, pause and then look up and say, "Was there something else?" Another fun response is to say, "NO!...and you know why!" When they protest that they don't you can start bringing up their work record or mention that you're glad they came in because they reminded you about making cutbacks in their work category. More about this when we talk about employee reviews. Another good response is, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't keep ignoring this request?" After they are all talked out respond with, "I'm still waiting."
Remember it's all about you: Hey, they're trying to get what they want why shouldn't you? Here are some practice responses for you to play with and work up on your own:

• 
  Look at the person intently and interrupt with, "I still haven't heard the part where I get what I want."
• 
  Pretend to pick lint off your clothes or repeatedly straighten an article of clothing while they're talking then interrupt with, "I'm sorry I lost interest when you started talking about what you want."
• 
  Some people will get offended. That's fine, reduce their positions to ad hominem arguments with comments like, "You really don't deal with rejection well do you?" or "What is it about 'no' you find so upsetting?" or "I'm not being rude, I'm being direct about what I want. A rude person would have laughed at you after they said 'no' and then asked you if you felt more comfortable in your favorite Kmart clothes."
• 
  Some people will accuse you of not "negotiating in good faith." Respond with, "Oh! Who told you we were negotiating?"
  
  Just remember the two keys to negotiating above and you'll do fine. Everything else is just an excuse for management guru's to write books so you will hire them to do what I told you how to do in two sentences. Everything else…filler. Make every negotiation a nogotiation!
  
  
  

Looking for an easy way to express your Bosship™? Turn down the water pressure on all the water fountains so that the water barely arches out of the fountain. This may initially sound childish but let's look at the important ramifications of such a simple move. First of all the company will save on water and electricity costs since after some point employees will give up trying to get a drink of water and you can eventually have the fountains removed. You'll become an 'innovative cost cutter!' Secondly, you'll cut down on skylarking around the water fountain which saves on company cost via wasted work time. Thirdly, there is the secondary gain from not having employees wasting time on restroom breaks. That's a '2fer' for the water fountain! Finally, you turn fulfilling a basic bodily need into a humiliating and degrading act as the employee must try to wedge their head down and work their tongue like a dog after the smallest morsel of liquid satisfaction.

The same theory can be applied to other sources of water. If you have water bottles delivered just cut back on the number of times the bottle is replaced. This leaves employees slowly learning either to conserve water or getting into squabbles over someone else's use. If employees start bringing in their own water then make it company policy not to allow individual water containers. After all who's to say what is in a water container? You can pose this as a security precaution or as a way to protect 'important electronic equipment.' I personally prefer the latter because it lets the employee know that inanimate objects rank higher than his most basic biological need. Having a 'water policy' also provides you with another item to tick off on an employee's rap sheet, so you have yet another excuse to dismiss them at a moments notice. 'Joe, I'm going to have to let you go. Among other things you've broken the company's policy about personal water bottles and jeopardized the security of valuable equipment…oh and other employees.'

This is a great exercise for you in Bosship™ by learning that even the smallest things can be used to diminish emplyoee self esteem. It reminds the employee that something as basic as water is under your control and its availability is a luxury. Other Bosship™ proponents visiting your office will quickly recognize that you are savvy in the ways of Bosship™.